


Solipsism

by NanakiBH



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Domestic, Family Drama, Holding Hands, Implied/Referenced Underage Relationship(s), Incest, Kissing, M/M, Nipple Play, Psychological Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-28 17:39:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3863698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This world was perfect. He was its only flaw.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Solipsism

**Author's Note:**

> I just really want them all to be happy.

Another failure. He failed again.

Or maybe this world had been the failure; this dimension, this timeline, this _whatever it was._ Ludger stopped trying to figure out what was going on a long time ago and only asked questions to make the others think he hadn't heard it all before. By now, he had memorized every one of his friends' words, to the point where he could probably repeat them like a script if he wanted. These worlds were always at least half-scripted because sometimes he entered one that was a little bit different from the last.

They weren't dimensions – not in the way that Julius and Spirius thought of them, at least. He didn't know what allowed him to enter these worlds, either. It wasn't the watch. His watch allowed him to enter fractured dimensions, but this was something else. For what felt like at least a hundred lifetimes, he had been searching for the perfect ending; a world that he would feel satisfied with, that he would want to call “his” world. He didn't think he was being selfish. He just wanted to live in a world where he and Julius and Elle and all of their friends could live together happily, without any pain, without anyone having to be sacrificed.

After Elle was lost, everyone would leave again and then he'd go home. Or sometimes he'd just find a bench and sit and let himself fall asleep, feverishly praying that he would wake up elsewhere. A few times, Julius had been with him, but he was greatly suffering, his body seized by the darkness that was then quickly transforming him into a catalyst. Not wanting to see him fade away, Ludger would fall asleep as quickly as he could.

There were other, much worse instances where Elle and Julius both died and there was nothing he could do to prevent it. Everyone would go their separate ways, leaving him alone, and he would weakly go back home and lay down in Julius's bed and dream that he was somewhere else.

It was horrible. He just wanted it to stop. It felt like someone was toying with him. It felt like they were giving him a little taste of what he could have by allowing him to hope that he could make a difference, but then they'd pull the rug out from under his feet and everything would come crashing down. One thing or another got in the way every time.

And he hated it.

Maybe that was why it kept happening. He didn't need something like the watch. His own mind was enough to change the world.

One time – it might've been Rowen who told him – he heard a theory that the world and everything in it existed solely in an individual's mind. His world and Rowen's world and Jude's world and everyone else's might've all been different. In fact, if he let himself believe in such a theory, then the only world he could be sure to exist was the one within his own mind. Everything outside of himself couldn't be proven.

Maybe he just hated those worlds so much that he birthed a new one every time something unpleasant happened. Maybe it occurred more frequently than he even knew.

Who was to say that Julius existed? That Elle existed?

He couldn't prove it.

They were always the same, but always a little different, always what he hoped they would be, but not necessarily what he expected. It was all he could do to hope that he'd wake up and find himself in a world where he could skip to the end of that long journey to find out if he were able to save them so he didn't have to get attached all over again, because, inevitably, he was going to become attached. And then they would leave him.

He just wanted a world where they could be together and be happy; the three of them together. They could go out like a family and visit Jude and the rest of their friends. He could take Elle grocery shopping with him, and they could play with Rollo together. He could push her on the swings outside of the apartment. With one hand in Julius's, the other holding Elle's, they could walk and laugh together.

That kind of life was all he wanted. Though he knew that there would still be people who judged them, it was what he wanted.

 

This world was done for now. This one hadn't been the right one, either.

The Julius of that world looked up at him with wide eyes and a sympathetic twist in his brow as Ludger approached him, the blades in his hands drenched in his friends' blood. This Julius was his Julius too, he reminded himself. It might have been a different world, but this was his brother. The ones he might encounter in a fractured dimension were different, but the Julius in this world – the world he woke up in – was always the one he knew and loved.

He looked so surprised, like he couldn't believe what Ludger had just done for him. To spare him, he had killed all of his friends. Ludger couldn't find it in him to try to explain now, to tell him that this hadn't been the first time. They all wanted him to sacrifice him, and he just couldn't bear to do that again.

It didn't matter how Julius was going to die. Ludger didn't want to see it.

He sunk down before him and wrapped his arms around him, gently resting his chin on his brother's shoulder, feeling his warmth. Even if he planned to leave the world behind again, he could stay there a little longer and enjoy that single moment, holding him in the sort of loving embrace he always wished he could hold him in.

Covered in blood, smiling wistfully to himself, he thought that he must have looked insane to Julius's eyes, so he was shocked when he heard Julius quietly admit that he had always wanted to be with him, too. Even if it meant the end of everything else, his brother also wanted to be with him.

With those words secure in his heart, Ludger knew that he would feel no guilt the next time he changed the world. The perfect world he sought wouldn't be just for him. It was for Julius, too. Ludger wanted him to be happy. He wanted him to live.

 

The next time he opened his eyes, things were different. It was the first time he hadn't awoken in his own room.

That clock wasn't his. The coat hanging on the back of the bedroom door definitely wasn't his. And this bed...

He was in Julius's bed, and it still smelled like Julius. When he rolled over, he found himself alone, his eyes met by the wall on the other side. He had no idea what he was doing in Julius's bed in this world, but it felt really nice.

Rolling onto his stomach, he pressed his nose to the pillow and inhaled deeply, enjoying the fragrance of his brother's shampoo. Not a second later, he realized that it also smelled a little like his own. His heart pounded as he wondered if he and Julius were a couple in this world. If the two of them were that close, then he hoped that Julius wouldn't run away from him this time. They could handle everything together, and hopefully bring about an ending that they would feel satisfied with.

Just as he began to wonder where his brother might be, he heard the sound of voices, muted by the closed door. Rousing himself from the comfort of Julius's bed, he found his pants on the floor and put them back on, then opened the door to find out what Julius was doing.

Like he thought, he heard someone besides his brother, but...

At the kitchen table, Julius sat with the newspaper open in front of him, calmly drinking a cup of coffee. Sitting right beside him, with her elbows on the table, her chin resting tiredly in her palms, was...

The two looked up at him and smiled.

“What is she...?” He couldn't even finish, too confused by Elle's presence. Something like this had never happened before. It was strange enough that he awoke in his brother's bedroom. Glancing back, he found the door of his own room open, but it looked nothing like he remembered inside, decorated in pink and yellow with posters on the walls.

His brother's expression suddenly became shadowed with concern. Closing the paper, folding it, he gestured for him to sit at the table.

“Ludger? Are you alright?”

Elle looked uncomfortable for some reason.

Slowly, he crept across the floor and pulled out the chair across from Julius, making a face when it made a noise that felt too loud in their silence. Finding it difficult to look at Julius while he was looking at him with such worry, he found his eyes drawn to Elle. She looked like the Elle he remembered, and he had the strong feeling that she knew who he was already, but he had no idea why. They were supposed to meet at the station. By that point, Julius would already be gone and on the run. What kind of ending were they going to experience if they already knew each other?

...How did they know each other? When did that happen?

“Ludger?”

He couldn't take his eyes off of her, but Elle refused to look at him. “What is... When did she get here?”

Julius held out a hand for him, and Ludger finally took his eyes away from Elle to look at it.

He wasn't wearing gloves. His hands looked clean.

Slowly, Ludger placed one of his own in Julius's palm, and Julius held it between both of his.

“You remember Elle, don't you?” Julius asked. He waited patiently for him, so Ludger nodded, though he wasn't quite sure anymore why he remembered Elle; what reason he would have to remember her in this world or why Julius already knew her. After a moment spent staring at him, Julius continued in a patient, even voice. “Elle is my daughter. She lives with us. She's been here for four years now. She's eight years old.”

She was eight. He knew that already.

“D-daughter...?”

Julius nodded, tenderly stroking his thumb over the top of Ludger's hand, his ring cool against his skin. “Her mother and I are separated.”

Stealing another glance at Elle, he found her withering, the corners of her mouth turned down. The whole time since he came to the table, she hadn't said a word. Speaking about her mother must have been distressing for her, but Ludger felt like he should be the one who was distressed. She looked like she was desperate to leave the table and go back to her room. Ludger hated seeing her this way. He didn't want her to leave and feel bad because of him.

He just couldn't understand the situation. If Julius were her father, then...

“Then who's 'daddy'?” he asked, feeling something horrible roil in the pit of his stomach.

She glanced up at him timidly, a light of hope entering her eyes. “Y-you are,” she said. She looked at Julius. “But he's 'papa'.”

“Not 'glasses guy'?” he asked.

Her whole face brightened, showing him more of the Elle he remembered. “He's only 'glasses guy' sometimes,” she said, looking up at Julius. “Usually only when he can't see something without his glasses on.”

Everything still felt strange and out-of-place, but Ludger felt more relieved now that the two of them were smiling at him and not treating him like there was something wrong with him. It wasn't his fault that this world was more different than the ones he was used to. Still, he needed to figure out what made this world so different. Was Elle a part of the prime dimension now? What sort of conflict was there this time?

He wanted to ask them more, to find out what was happening, but he didn't want to say anything that would let them know that he had been to other worlds before.

“Julius, um... How has work been? Any news?”

“News?” Julius laughed, squeezing his hand. “There's always news when you work for the newspaper.”

“Newspaper... The same one that Leia works for?”

He smiled, nodding like Ludger had just said the right answer. “Yes, the same one as Leia. You remember Leia?”

“Of course, I...” Why did he know her? He was confused. He didn't know how he and Leia would have already met in this world. At this point, it felt like there was no harm in asking. The two of them seemed like they were going to be patient with him, even if he had weird questions. “Leia and I have met?”

Elle looked disappointed, and Julius's smile also faltered. He tried to keep it up, but that concerned look returned to support it. “Ludger, it's alright. You don't have to remember everything all at once. It always comes back to you. I don't remember when you and Leia met, but I'm sure you'll remember on your own eventually.”

No, he was certain that he met Leia when...

When...

...How had he met Leia, again?

“I can't remember,” he said, his voice small and almost inaudible to even his own ears. His mind reeled as he tried to sort through his memories, searching for the ones he needed. Having gone through so many worlds, he was sure that he had met Leia countless times. Even if this world weren't like the others, he had to remember how he had met her, yet, for some reason, he wasn't able to confidently remember the first time he met her in any of them. “Elle... Elle was definitely with me when I met her. I'm sure of that.”

Elle shook her head slowly. “No I wasn't.”

“It wasn't you,” he said, unable to stop himself before it came out. Desperate to explain himself, he continued, feeling frantic and strangely exhausted. “It was you, but it was a different Elle. One from another world. Sort of like a fractured dimension, but-”

“Ludger.”

Julius's commanding voice made him stop, and he looked up helplessly. This world was weird. He didn't know what was going on anymore, but he felt assured whenever he looked into his brother's eyes. Letting go of his hands, Julius got up from his seat and went around the table to his side. There was a seat next to him, but Julius chose to stand in front of him instead, placing his hands on his shoulders.

“This is going to be difficult for you to hear, Ludger, but I know that it always helps you, so try to listen.” A cold sweat began forming at the back of his neck. Although he was sure that he didn't know what Julius was going to tell him, it felt like a part of him already knew. All he could do was look into his eyes, paralyzed by them, and listen with a macabre sort of curiosity. “Your mother was killed in front of you when you were five. That incident gave you amnesia. You've been living your life like anyone else, but you suffer from memory loss. You forget things occasionally. Sometimes you forget a little, but sometimes it's a lot. In either case, it always comes back to you, so you don't have to panic.”

How could he not panic after being told something like that?

“But... The fractured dimensions. You were becoming a catalyst. Always. And Elle... I...” He swallowed thickly, his mind hovering over memories that felt like they were slipping away like transient dreams. “I saw you both die... I'm sure. This isn't the real world. This is just-”

The 'real world'? What made this one any less 'real' than any of the others? How did he know that the others weren't just-

“It's okay.” Leaning down, Julius wrapped his arms around his shoulders and kissed his cheek. A warm hand rubbed his back. “When you can't remember something, your mind makes up something else to fill in the gaps sometimes. Elle and I are both fine. You probably just had a nightmare. Maybe that was what triggered your amnesia this time. We're fine. You're fine.”

When he looked up, Elle still looked uncomfortable. It was like she was used to this. She had seen this happen before.

Julius looked at her and smiled warmly. “It's alright, Elle. Ludger hasn't forgotten you.”

After Julius stood back up, Ludger weakly pushed back his chair and stood, making his way unsteadily over to the other side of the table. What Julius said to her was enough to make Ludger want to cry, but the tears didn't fall until he had his arms wrapped around her. He cried, not entirely sure why he was crying anymore, and said her name over and over, clinging to her like he had to in order to keep her there, to make sure she wasn't going to disappear. At first, she seemed unsure of what to do with this kind of attention, but she eventually broke down as well and returned his embrace, telling him in the clumsy words of an eight-year-old how glad she was that he remembered her.

_Daddy_ , she called him. _I don't want you to forget me, daddy._

Once they both settled down, he went back to his chair and sat down heavily, feeling tired. He wasn't sure whether he had really remembered anything, but it felt like he had forgotten a lot. These two were definitely Julius and Elle. They were his Julius and Elle. The longer he sat there, the harder it became to tell how they were different from the ones he remembered before, from... From whenever that was.

Had it really been a dream? It felt like he was forgetting something important as other things began to emerge in his memory.

He definitely remembered who Elle was. She was his brother's daughter, just like Julius said. For some reason, he knew that he didn't like Elle's mother, but he couldn't recall why.

Suddenly pushing back his sleeve, Julius let out a bewildered sound when he saw the time. Ludger noticed that Julius wasn't carrying a pocket watch, but he had no idea why that felt like something significant to him now. Julius had always worn a watch. It had been a gift from their father when they moved out and started living on their own in this apartment. Their father had never been a very nice man, let alone a caring father to either of them, but Julius respected him, so he really treasured that watch. Because he had always been so preoccupied with work and rarely spent time with them, he and Julius spent most of their time together. It felt more like Julius was the one who raised him.

He always wondered if he and Julius wouldn't have been as close if their father had paid more attention to them.

It didn't matter how much he remembered because he was sure he would always remember the deep feelings he had for his brother. As he grew up alongside him, he realized that the feelings he had towards him were a lot stronger than what they should be. He didn't know if he could blame his father for letting those feelings foster, but he felt like he needed someone to blame. He couldn't blame Julius and he didn't want to blame himself.

It was odd. Until he saw his watch, Julius was the only family he remembered. If he were honest, he still couldn't remember his mother's face or her voice or anything. There wasn't even any disappointment when he wasn't able to recall anything about her. There was just nothing; a giant blank space in his memory.

“Sorry, Elle, you don't have much time,” Julius sighed.

Time...?

School. Elle had to go to school.

She frowned at him, then looked at Ludger. “I didn't even get any breakfast, though...”

Driven by a sense of duty, Ludger got up and went to the refrigerator before either of them could stop him. If he remembered what time Elle needed to leave, then he still had enough time to make something. The two watched in awe as he flew around the kitchen, cracking open an egg over a sizzling pan, tossing a slice of bread into the toaster. As that got started, he found the rest of what he was looking for in the refrigerator and had a gorgeous sandwich prepared for her lunch in only a few minutes. In between stacking ingredients, he gave the eggs a few quick whisks in the pan with a fork to make them fluffy. By the time the toast popped up, everything was ready.

Without having even broken a sweat, he presented her with scrambled eggs served atop a crisp piece of toast.

“Amazing...” she said in a hushed, astonished voice. “Daddy Ludger is a force to be rec... recon'd with.”

Julius chuckled, returning to his chair for the time to watch her eat. “You mean 'reckoned', Elle. I suppose you aren't entirely wrong, though...”

She took a large bite of her breakfast to avoid having to acknowledge her mistake.

“Sorry we didn't have enough time for curry,” Ludger told her, watching her eyes widen. “I can make it for dinner.”

Elle looked positively thrilled. “You remember my favorite.”

“Of course I remember,” he said. “And I know that you hate tomatoes, but Julius loves tomatoes. If I ever forget that you're his daughter, that's probably why.”

Though Julius didn't seem very thrilled with his joke that made light of his memory, Elle thought he was hilarious. For their remaining minutes at home, he sat with them and tried to say little else, worried that he might say something that was going to ruin the peaceful moment they were having. There were a lot of things he had to say, many of which were questions for Julius, but he had a feeling that they were going to have to wait until later when they could speak alone. It didn't feel right to involve Elle, especially after he saw the way she looked when she realized that he was having trouble remembering.

It was getting a lot easier to simply believe what they told him when they were all acting happy.

When Elle was finished, she put her plate in the sink and went to her room to get what she needed for school. Finally alone, Julius turned to him with an expression that seemed much more concerned than any of the others he'd already shown him.

“Will you be okay here alone?”

It was their apartment. He remembered this place well, but if he were being entirely honest, the thought of being left alone now sounded sort of frightening. If Julius took Elle to school, then went to work, Ludger didn't know how long it would be before he would see either of them. He couldn't remember at what time they were supposed to come home. More than that, there was something lurking at the back of his mind now that made him fear that he might never see them again if he let them out of his sight. He had too many questions still. The more he thought about things, the more confused he felt.

“Do I still work at the station?” he asked. He was sure that he worked there at one point in time, but, at the moment, he couldn't remember anything else about the job.

Julius shook his head. “No, not anymore. It's too difficult to predict when you'll forget something...”

He didn't say much, but Ludger understood what he was trying to tell him. His recurring memory loss had cost him that job. It was probably better for everyone, considering. The station wouldn't have been the best place for him to have an episode.

“You can consider yourself a homemaker,” Julius said, giving him a light, fond smile. “We count on you for everything around here. Don't let yourself worry too much, alright? Just because you don't have a job, that doesn't mean you never leave the apartment. You have a planner that you write everything down in so you won't forget what you need to do that day, just in case. And, if you're ever here alone and something happens, I have my number on the door and on the counter by the phone, and also on the refrigerator. You can never be too prepared, right? I'm also the emergency contact in your GHS.”

Ludger patted his side, searching for his phone, and realized that he was still in what he wore to sleep.

“Do you want to take Elle to school with me?” Julius asked.

Ludger looked at him, confused. “Aren't you going to work after you drop her off?”

There was that fond smile again. It made Ludger's chest feel warm, made him feel comforted despite his situation. “I'm going to take the day off,” he said. When he saw that Ludger was about to ask him why, he held up at hand. “It's fine. They know what's going on, and they're very understanding. If I ever have to stay home, I just make up the time gradually anyway. I'm not a reporter or anything, so it's not like they can't survive without me for a day.”

How many days had Julius taken off because of him? How many times had he explained this to him? Ludger didn't like thinking that he got in the way of his work. Worse, he didn't want Julius to have to keep repeating these things to him. That smile he gave him was so loving and gentle, but Ludger recalled the pain he saw in his eyes earlier when he realized that he had forgotten something. Elle had that same look, and he didn't like it.

What was he forgetting...? There was something else now, he thought. Those things he thought he was so sure of before must have only been dreams if he were having this much trouble remembering them. It wasn't as easy to recall them as it was to remember something like Elle's last birthday party.

Trying to think, he covered his face with his hands and scrubbed at his eyes. A moment later, he felt that warm hand on his back again and he looked up, right into Julius's eyes.

“Go get dressed, Ludger. We don't want to make Elle late.”

Feeling a little numb, he just nodded and went back to his room. He knew it was his room because it was the one he woke up in, but he still couldn't believe that he was sharing a bed with his brother. It sounded right, and it felt right, but he thought there should've been something getting in the way. It was too perfect. If he weren't mistaken, he and his brother were a couple, and Elle was like their daughter. Wasn't there supposed to be something stopping them? This kind of happiness wasn't so easily obtained, so what had been sacrificed to make this happen?

With all of those thoughts forcing their way around inside his head, he got dressed. Even though he couldn't remember when he put his clothes in Julius's room, he had no problem finding everything he needed, and he made it out of the bedroom only one step behind Elle. Seeing the two of them waiting for him by the door made him feel... happy. There were so many questions in his head, but he realized that none of them had to matter at a time like this, when he could be enjoying their smiles instead of worrying about what he couldn't remember. Surely, they were the only thing he needed to know.

It was warm, so Julius left his coat in the room. He looked handsome without it. Ludger walked beside him, but he walked slower a couple times just so he could admire his broad back. It really felt like he was looking at him for the first time. There was no doubt that this was the man he loved, and when Julius looked back to make sure he wasn't falling behind, Ludger felt sure that Julius loved him too.

Elle's school wasn't that far from where they lived. It was nice, being able to walk there together. He didn't have to ask, remembering that he was the one who normally walked Elle to school in the morning. As the warm spring air touched his skin, it just came back to him, reminding him of all the times he held her hand and saw her off at the gate, watching her join her classmates.

When they were about halfway there, Ludger suddenly looked up, startled by a thought.

“Where was Rollo?”

They looked at him.

“He was asleep in my room,” Elle said. “Why?”

For a second there, he thought that he'd made Rollo up. Feeling relieved to know that Rollo was probably still lazing around on Elle's bed, he admitted that he thought Rollo might've been just a dream, and they laughed. Ludger laughed with them, unable to help it. It really was funny.

Eventually, as the atmosphere grew more comfortable and familiar, Julius took his hand. They were walking on the sidewalk and there were other people around. Inside, Ludger panicked, thinking that it was wrong for them to hold hands in public, but he didn't see anyone he recognized. In fact, there were strangers who smiled at them when they saw the two of them walking with Elle. To anyone else, they probably looked like a normal family. Ludger tried to remind himself that they were. It didn't matter how other people defined “normal”. Just looking at Elle, seeing the way that she smiled when she looked at her two fathers, Ludger could tell that she had no problem with their relationship. She accepted them and loved them as her family.

However, once they reached the school, Julius slipped his hand away. It had felt so right to hold his hand that Ludger nearly forgot that there were still other people who might not understand. The teachers at Elle's school would know that they were related.

As he feared, as he watched Elle run over to the other girls who were waiting for her outside, there was a teacher standing by the door who gave them an unquestionably judgmental look.

On their way back home, Julius called into work to let them know that he was going to spend the day at home with him. Just like he told him earlier, they had no problem with it. It made Ludger wonder if the people at his work knew about their relationship. If they found out, he wondered if they would still be as forgiving.

When they reached a crosswalk and stopped, unable to help himself, the question came out.

“Do they know?”

Julius didn't look at him, but he did take his hand again. It seemed to be his way of reassuring him. It worked, even though Ludger was still worried about him.

“They don't,” he admitted. He kept his eyes forward as they crossed the street. “There are a lot of people who would probably try to take Elle away from us if they knew, so it's best if we keep it quiet. It's alright if we do things like hold hands. Everyone knows that you have trouble with your memory, so they think that I'm just taking care of you.” He chuckled quietly to himself. “Well, I am.”

It sounded painful for him. It must have been very difficult for them to care for Elle together if they were always worrying about what other people thought of their family. If he just kept forgetting about everything anyway, then...

“Why don't you just let me forget?” Ludger asked. “If I always forget things, why not wait for me to forget about... this. I don't want to do anything that will hurt you.”

His jaw clenching, looking very serious, Julius squeezed his hand tightly.

“Because you never forget, Ludger. You never forget about me. I'm the only thing you always remember.”

Ah.

That was right.

He never forgot Julius. His memories of him were always there, all the way back to when they were just children. He remembered the way that Julius took care of him when their father wasn't around. He remembered the day when he brought Rollo home and saw the face that Julius made. He even remembered their first kiss, hesitant and full of shame and guilt.

Did that mean that Julius was only sticking with this relationship because he wanted him to have something familiar?

Stricken with that horrible realization, he tore his quivering hand away from Julius's and began to run. He heard his voice behind him, confused and yelling for him to wait, but Ludger kept running.

This wasn't right.

This wasn't the kind of world he wanted.

Even if it were all fake, he wanted to fall asleep and wake up in a new world again. Even if he had his brother and Elle, he didn't want to live in a world where Julius felt guilted into maintaining this kind of relationship. It was already hard enough without having to accept the fact that Julius was only doing it for his sake. The terrible thought that this all might be real and permanent brought tears to his eyes that splashed his cheeks as he ran. He kept running in the hope that he might be able to outrun the inevitable, but he had the feeling that he wasn't going to escape it this time.

He was finally trapped. He was trapped in a cycle of forgetting and remembering, but there was only one real truth. No matter how many times he forgot it, the truth was always waiting to be rediscovered.

Throwing open the apartment doors, he ran up the stairs, not even waiting for the elevator. Out of breath, sobbing, he collapsed in front of their apartment, sliding his back down the door. Sitting with his face pressed to his knees, he cried, shaking his head, trying to make himself forget or disappear.

It was him. He was the part of this world that shouldn't exist. He was what kept his brother and Elle from living happily.

Hearing the elevator chime, he looked up and saw Julius approaching through his blurry, tear-soaked vision. Julius leaned down at his side and placed a hand on his shoulder, rubbing gently, waiting for him to stop crying. “It's okay,” he said. “Let's go inside.”

It wasn't okay. It wasn't going to be okay. He knew the truth this time. This world was his world. It was the real world; the only one. And Julius... He was just guilting Julius into loving him. Their love wasn't real.

Julius helped him stand and opened the door for him. Thankfully, there was no one in the hall to watch any of this, but he worried that anyone else who was still at home might've been able to hear his loud sobbing. Were they used to this like Elle? After the first few times he ran away sobbing, he imagined that they all must've stopped caring. Now Julius was the only person who was willing to put up with him and his awful condition. There were too many things wrong with him.

Back inside the apartment, Julius sat on the couch with him and wrapped an arm around him. Despite himself, Ludger rested his head against his chest, tucking himself in against his side, fitting their bodies together. It felt so natural that it made him feel like crying all over again, but his eyes were sore. The tears didn't want to fall anymore.

“What happened back there? Do you want to tell me about it?” Julius asked, rubbing his arm.

Ludger just felt sick as he spat it out. He kept his voice light, his eyes focused wearily on an insignificant point on the floor, but the words came up from his throat tasting like acid. “You don't really love me, do you? You're just putting up with me. You're the only thing I remember well, so you're just playing along with me because it's the only thing that will hold me together. You probably aren't even really worried about Elle being taken away because we... We aren't a real couple. You're just pretending for me, aren't you?”

Rather than respond, Julius pressed his cheek to the top of his head and took a breath. He was thinking.

“It must be hard,” Ludger said, feeling bad for him. “You've probably had to tell me the same excuses over and over to keep me believing. You don't have another one prepared for me this time?”

“No,” Julius said, and, for a second, Ludger thought he was telling him that he was right. “This is the first time you've ever said anything like this to me. I'm trying to figure out what made you think that.”

A little spark of hope ignited in Ludger's heart, but it was hard to keep its flame bright under the suffocating weight of his other thoughts. He felt convinced that he was right. “Are you going to tell me that you really do love me? Like _that_?”

“You've never questioned how much I love you. I'm kind of at a loss...”

It didn't feel like Julius was lying to him. Now, Ludger was starting to feel bad for doubting him. He had never doubted him before. He was confused, so he thought that he might've questioned him in the past, but Julius looked like he was telling the truth.

“What can I say to make you believe me?” Julius wondered aloud, rolling his head back against the couch, looking up at the ceiling. As he thought, Ludger looked up at him, taking in his brother's features, and felt a sudden, overwhelming urge to kiss him and apologize. Before he could give in to that urge, Julius looked down at him, catching the way he had been looking at him. “Do you remember Elle's mother?” he asked.

He didn't remember her well. The only thing he was able to remember was that he didn't like her, even though she was the woman who gave birth to the little girl he loved as much as if she were his own daughter.

“Do you remember why she left?” he asked.

Ludger shook his head, but he had a bad feeling.

Julius paused, nervously spinning his ring around his thumb. Whatever he had to say was difficult. “The reason she left... She found out that I had feelings for you. Rather, she found out that you and I were involved with each other. There really wasn't any way for me to explain it to her. She was so embarrassed by what she found out that she didn't even want to tell anyone. She immediately asked for a divorce, and she took custody of Elle. I...” He sighed, shaking his head. “She didn't get to keep Elle for very long. She started drinking and blamed herself for everything that happened. I tried. I really tried, but there wasn't anything that either of us could do to make me forget about the way I felt towards you. Custody was given to me because her mother isn't fit to keep her any longer, but if anyone found out the real reason why we separated, then...”

It hadn't been a lie. Julius really was worried that someone would take Elle away from them.

As for Elle's mother, it was no wonder she started drinking after she found out what they were doing. Elle was only four years old when she started living with them. That meant that he was only sixteen around the time that custody was given to Julius. It wasn't just a relationship between siblings. When Julius and his wife separated, he was still just a kid.

Julius lost that perfect, normal relationship because he wasn't able to forget about his feelings for him. It made Ludger still feel guilty, like he was to blame, but he was also happy, knowing that Julius's love for him was real.

And now he also remembered why he felt resentment towards her.

When they got married, he hadn't wanted to attend the wedding. When he was told that they were having a child, he felt like a part of him was dying. He just wanted to live in a world where he and his brother could be together, but this woman had gotten in his way. He did absolutely nothing to seduce his brother. Julius's feelings developed on their own. Perhaps they had always been there, unable to be completely ignored. Whatever the case, it was the weapon Ludger wielded to break them apart.

“We...”

“Yeah,” Julius said slowly, holding him a little more tightly. “I messed up.”

There was no such thing as perfect, not while he was around. Ludger couldn't think of anything he could have done to save his brother's marriage. Back then, he was just a kid, but, even now, he knew that he would've made the exact same decisions. He wouldn't have told Julius “no”. He loved him too much to refuse him, especially when he loved the kind of attention Julius had wanted to give him.

He still remembered their first kiss; the feeling of Julius's wedding band against his palm as they linked their fingers, the guilt that was palpable between their lips. After that ring disappeared, it got easier. The guilt never completely went away, but it bothered him less, especially when Elle began calling him “daddy”. She felt like their daughter. _Theirs._ It even helped that she shared a resemblance with both of them.

Like any innocent child might, Elle believed that a relationship could be between any two adults who loved each other. To her, it didn't matter that he and Julius were related. Without asking, Ludger could tell that Julius was glad that he had only one child. They would never wish this sort of life upon anyone, especially their own child.

“Why do I keep forgetting?” he wondered aloud. The guilt he felt now wasn't so strong that he wanted to forget. Now that he felt assured of Julius's feelings, he wanted to keep holding on to them.

Julius placed a gentle kiss to the top of his head. “There's no specific reason. It seems to happen more frequently if you're under stress. Like I said, that nightmare you had is probably what caused it this time. The doctor said that as long as we keep you happy and remove as much stress as we can, you should experience it less.”

“How often does it happen?” he asked, unsure of whether he wanted to hear the answer. He believed him now, knew that Julius wasn't lying about his lapses in memory, but he couldn't remember how many times it had occurred.

“There's no telling. It seems like it's triggered by how you feel, so it doesn't occur on a specific schedule, but... At the worst, it could happen a few times a month. If I failed to help you calm down, it would occur the next day and repeat all over again.”

That must have been what he was dreaming about. Ludger couldn't remember those dreams anymore, but he remembered feeling like he was repeating everything over and over. It felt like it was never going to end, like it was going to happen forever. Before he fell asleep, he must have been worrying about what he was going to experience when he woke up, which was why he awoke with a number of important things missing from his memory.

He pressed himself closer to Julius's side. He didn't want to forget anything this time, but he knew that if he worried about it too heavily, he might end up forgetting anyway.

Julius kissed him on the cheek again, and, this time, Ludger finally turned his head and captured his lips. It felt like he was kissing him for the first time, even though he knew that it wasn't anything new. His lips felt soft and familiar.

As he slowly pulled away from his lips, he saw Julius smiling at him with that soft, affectionate look. It hurt. He made Julius suffer so often, but he was still able to look at him that way.

“How are you feeling? Is there anything else you're having trouble remembering?”

Ludger searched his memory. Little pieces came back to him, but he had trouble fitting them together. “Spirius? And... Milla?”

“Spirius?” Julius asked. “What's that?”

“I thought it was the name of where you work,” he said. It was one of the few things he could remember from what had apparently been a dream. In that dream, he worked there too and owed them a lot of money. Maybe he just felt guilty, being unable to work. Julius was the only one who provided for their family.

Julius laughed softly. “I work at the paper. I've worked there for years now. Our father helped get me a position there, remember?” He took his GHS from his pocket and opened a browser, searching for the name Ludger told him. When he saw the top result, he seemed to recognize it. “Spirius is the name of a new cable company in Rieze Maxia. Maybe you saw a commercial before you went to bed last night.”

“Maybe...”

“What else did you want to know? Something about Milla?”

That's right. Milla felt like someone important. If he recalled correctly, Milla was the Lord of Spirits. He didn't want to sound crazy by saying something like that if he were wrong about her, though. “She and Jude...”

“That's right,” Julius said. “Jude is very close to the Lord of Spirits. He helped her bring about the unification of Elympios and Rieze Maxia. You remember that?”

“Yeah. I thought I was crazy for a second.”

Julius laughed, amused. “Understandably. It's not everyday one meets the Lord of Spirits, right? We visited Jude at Balan's recommendation to see if he knew of anything that could be done about your memory. That was how we met Milla. He and his friends have become good friends of ours now as well. You have a lot of people who care about you.”

That was good. Knowing that made him feel a lot better.

They slipped into a comfortable silence for a while, leaning against each other, enjoying each other's presence without the need for words. It was nice, but there was still that one thing that continued to bother him. That nightmare he'd had felt so real. It felt like more than just a nightmare. It felt like at least a hundred nightmares, each of them so real that they could have been actual things that he experienced. Each one brought a new kind of pain, even if he couldn't perfectly recall what they were about any longer. Their specifics might have left him, but the pain still remained.

Maybe it was his memory trying to remind him of all the times when he'd lapsed and caused pain for Elle and his brother. He must have felt guilty about what he did to their family for a long time, too. There were things that he wanted to forget, but the cycle of forgetting was probably a large part of what caused this lingering ache within him. If he couldn't remove it, he was afraid that it would cause him to lose his memory again.

With such uncertain memories, it was hard to be sure that this world was even real, but it was alright. It was one he could be happy with. He was ready to accept it, even with him as its sole imperfection.

Quietly, he turned to look at his brother and Julius looked down at him.

“Are you feeling better?” Julius asked.

Rather than find an answer for him, he lifted a hand, reaching up to hold the side of his face. “I'm here for you too, Julius,” he said. Those felt like the words that really needed to be said. He didn't know if he'd ever let him know that he worried about him just as much. It was time that he let him know. He could never say it enough. “I'm grateful for everything you do for me, and I'm here for you, too.”

The mask fell, showing Ludger just how worried he'd been. Both of Julius's arms wrapped around him, and he was pulled closer, halfway into his lap as Julius buried his face in his shoulder. Julius's shoulders trembled with restrained emotion. Even though he was still trying to hold back, Ludger was glad that he had made it through to him, happy to see his brother's real feelings. It worried him more when Julius tried to hide it all away from him, pretending to be less affected. They were both hurt, and it wasn't just his poor memory that made him this way. There were a lot of things.

“I want to protect you, too,” he told him, holding him back, caressing his hands over Julius's back. “I want to protect you and Elle. That's all I want, Julius. You two are the only thing I really have. You're all I can be sure of. I want you to be happy. I just... I don't know what I can do.” His voice was shaken by those many nightmares that still crept in the darkest part of his memory. “What am I supposed to do?”

He felt like he was going insane. That darkness felt like it was approaching again, and he didn't want to watch it consume his brother. He didn't want to sit and watch as it made Elle disappear. He didn't want to fall to it, either.

Julius kept his arms around him as he thought.

“We are happy,” Julius said, like it was that simple. “We just worry about you. What we want is for you to be happy. If you were able to relax a little more, I think you might be able to hold on to your memory for longer. Don't worry so much about us. We're going to be fine.”

It sounded simple, but Ludger knew that it would probably be a lot more difficult than it sounded. Being happy wasn't that easy.

Julius pulled back a little to look at him. “Do you still blame yourself for what happened with Elle's mother? Do you blame yourself for the way I feel?”

He remembered being asked those things before. In the past, he had lied, saying that none of that mattered to him anymore, but, after that outburst he had earlier, it was impossible for him to ignore the truth. Even if it had become a lot easier for him to accept his own feelings, there was a part of him that still blamed himself and worried that he was the cause of Julius and Elle's troubles. A part of him wished that he could start everything over and try again, but he was just running away from his problems, thinking that he could solve them all on his own.

Shaking, he hesitantly nodded his head. “I think... I think I need help, Julius. I don't think I can do it alone.”

“No one expects you to,” Julius said, guiding Ludger's head to his chest. “If we have to, we'll tell you that we're happy all the time. We love you, Ludger, and we're happy just like this. You can be happy, too.”

The tears that he thought had dried up returned, dampening the front of his brother's shirt as he shook and cried without letting out a sound. As Julius rubbed his back and told him reassuring things, he finally let the sound of his pain escape from his lips. He hated the way it made him sound, sick and pathetic, but Julius's voice was still so tender and loving. He thought that Julius deserved so much better than him, but Julius had already proven the depth of his love for him. While selfishly wanting him all to himself, Ludger encountered that stubborn contradiction that he was unable to escape from.

This whole time, he was the only thing getting in his own way. He was the one who was stopping him from achieving his happiness.

It was selfish and sick by anyone else's words, but it was what he truly wanted. His world couldn't continue to turn until he admitted that the thing he wanted was what Julius wanted as well. Their rotten world was perfect. If he wanted it to stay, then he needed to reach out for it and finally embrace it with his own hands.

“Will I ever really be okay? Even if I start to feel better, won't I just forget again eventually anyway?”

“There's no way of knowing right now,” Julius said, giving him a sympathetic look, “but I think you'll have a better chance of retaining more if you remove more of your stress. There was a long period when you were younger where you had no problem at all. I hate to say this, but I think that getting married and leaving you here might've been what made it reappear with such frequency.” He looked away, his eyes downcast. “I'm sorry for that. I don't regret having Elle, but... I truly am sorry for leaving you, Ludger. If you ever felt abandoned, I'm sorry.”

He had.

It came back to him; the days when he walked home from school alone, went up the apartment elevator alone, and entered their empty apartment. Everything of Julius's was gone, but Ludger spent countless hours in his brother's bedroom, crying, hoping that he would come back. Even Rollo could tell that something was wrong. Rollo missed him too. Laying on the couch, holding their cat, he'd fall asleep, telling himself that Julius was going to return. He kept making believe until he really believed what he made up. Reality was forgotten and replaced with his fantasies.

After his brother got married and had a child, it became harder for him to believe in those fantasies. He started to forget more and more and his world became warped and twisted, no longer reflecting what it was he wanted.

It was his fault... He could never have what he loved...

That was what he told himself.

But Julius was... Julius was right here now. He was holding him. If he wanted him to, all Ludger had to do was incline his head and he was sure that Julius would lean in to kiss him.

“I just have one more question, I guess.” It was his turn to look away this time. He'd never asked him this question, but it was going to bother him until he did. Judging by the things Julius told him earlier, he felt like he could assume the answer without even asking, but he needed to make sure. They suffered enough misunderstandings already. “Why did you leave me? If you always loved me, then why didn't you stay?”

It was a stupidly childish way of thinking; he knew that.

“I wanted to spare you. You were still too young. I could tell that you might have the same kind of feelings, but I didn't want you getting caught up in it. She and I... I loved her, but I loved her in the same way I love Elle. Maybe not even quite like that,” he said, sound ashamed of himself. “I can say that we didn't have a sex life. I wanted a child because I thought it might finally give me the proper distraction, but even that didn't help. I only found myself wanting you more, and I was horrified with myself.”

Ludger couldn't blame him; not anymore. It must have been even more difficult for him back then. Their relationship was strange enough now, but it would've been something far worse then. It seemed like it was still something difficult for Julius to admit – that he had been in love with his little brother, that having sex with his wife only reconfirmed his passionate feelings towards him.

Ludger was still tempted to blame himself, but seeing the helpless look in his brother's eyes made him want to comfort him. This felt like an opportunity.

“Am I not disgusting?” Julius asked, nervously meeting his eyes. As his older brother, it probably frightened him; the possibility that Ludger might tell him that he thought he was disgusting after all.

When he looked at that face, though, the only thing that Ludger could feel was love. Julius's feelings made him happy. There was nothing disgusting about the sweet way he smiled at him or in the nervous set of his brows.

Cupping his face in his hands, Ludger brought their lips together again. “You aren't,” he said confidently against his brother's mouth. “I love you for everything you are. You're my one and only brother.”

Just like that, they were kissing again, communicating with their lips all the things that they were unable to put into words. Julius's mouth tasted a little bitter like his morning coffee, but Ludger didn't mind in the least. All he could focus on was the fact that he was kissing him, his heart feeling light and happy, filled with a feeling he had forgotten that he was even capable of feeling. Slowly, they went from sitting to laying down on the couch, Ludger resting on top of him, his legs between Julius's, their fronts pressed together. It was sort of exciting; he couldn't remember doing this with him, but his body knew what to do. Ludger naturally leaned into each of his movements, tilting his head with him, rubbing their tongues together, sucking lightly on his lower lip, languidly rolling his hips to awaken his brother's arousal.

A quiet, pleased sort of sound escaped him when he felt Julius rubbing back against him. It took effort to keep himself from crying out when Julius's hands suddenly found their way to his chest and his thumbs rubbed over his nipples through the fabric of his shirt. He remembered how sensitive he was there from all of the nights he spent alone, touching himself and wishing that his hands were his brother's instead. Apparently Julius knew about his weakness already and was ready to exploit it. Within moments, he turned him into a weak, shivering mess. He didn't know what he should do, so Ludger just continued to grind against him, his cock achingly pressing against the front of his pants.

Julius slipped a hand between their bodies, but he stopped just short of Ludger's belt. His head was turned, and he was staring at something. Ludger followed his gaze and noticed that Rollo was sitting not far away from the couch, watching them like he was waiting for them to put on a show. He must've slipped into the room while they were... distracted.

“This will probably be more comfortable if we take it to the bedroom, don't you think?”

Ludger silently agreed by rolling off of him. Standing, he regarded Rollo with an exasperated tilt of his brows and was rewarded with a meow. Snorting, he knelt and scratched under his chin. Rollo gave him a rare purr and rolled over, showing that he felt content by presenting him with his tummy.

“We'll play with you later, Rollo,” he promised, giving him a few more scratches under his chin. “Right now, it's time for me to play with my brother.”

There was a deep red flush across Julius's cheeks. “I had no idea my little brother was actually a little devil,” he mumbled, clearly aroused by his spontaneous teasing. Ludger didn't think he had it in him to say something like that again, but it excited him, knowing that he was able to make Julius feel hot under the collar with just a few words.

He innocently walked to their bedroom and pushed open the door that was already ajar, beckoning Julius to follow him with his eyes. Rollo watched them, but he just rolled back over. Flopping his fat little body onto the couch, he laid down in the spot where they had been to enjoy the warmth they left behind. He curled up, preparing for what was probably already his fifth nap of the day.

Ludger quietly closed the door after Julius was inside. Like he was used to this, like it was a ritual, Julius was already undressing, sliding off his tie as he sat down on the edge of the bed. He removed his shoes and his socks, but before he could move on to the rest, Ludger came forward and stilled his hands, telling him that he wanted to do it for him. He couldn't remember undressing him before. It was something he had probably done, but he wanted to relive that experience right now, to discover his brother's skin for himself.

Swallowing, he unbuttoned Julius's shirt and waited until he had undone the last button before pushing it open to reveal his chest. His chest and shoulders looked just as broad when they weren't being hidden by his jacket. He'd always had a secret fascination with his chest. Julius was so much taller and bigger than he was. When they were little, he felt safe whenever he was near him, protected by his big brother. For someone who only worked at the paper, he had a surprisingly muscular figure.

“How did you get these?” he asked, curiously poking at Julius's abs.

Laughing, acting a little ticklish, Julius reached up and slid his hands under Ludger's suspenders. “The same way you got yours,” he said. He didn't explain until he had his suspenders off and his shirt open so he could admire Ludger's body. “We work out. How else would you expect us to stay in shape? All I do is sit at work and you're at home most of the time. If we didn't get out for a jog or work out at the gym occasionally, we'd probably be as round as Rollo.”

“You wouldn't love me even if I had a little bit of Rollo's rolls?” Ludger asked, pouting as he attempted to pinch his own stomach. There wasn't really anything for him to grab. He wasn't as muscular as Julius, but his body was well-maintained without any noticeable fat.

A smile tipping his lips, Julius leaned in and placed a kiss to the center of his chest. Putting his hands over Ludger's, he eased them away, putting them at his sides, and reached up to slide his shirt over his shoulders. Placing one kiss here, another there, his mouth gradually moved to one of Ludger's nipples. Startled, Ludger let out a yelp that he quickly covered with his hands. Glancing down, he noticed the amused way that Julius looked up at him as he continued to tease him. Making his movements all slow and deliberate to keep from surprising him further with anything he might've forgotten and become unfamiliar with, Julius slowly moved one of his hands to the front of Ludger's pants. He loosely squeezed him through his clothes, feeling the outline of his cock, stroking him until he was completely hard.

Ludger was still shivering, his nipples sensitive, making his whole body feel responsive. His hands were still covering his mouth. They were alone, but he felt like he wasn't allowed to make any noise for some reason. He doubted that he would be loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

“Do... Do we ever do this kind of thing when Elle is home?” he asked, feeling his face heating up with embarrassment.

It was surreal, watching Julius licking and sucking at his chest. He'd asked him a question, but Julius seemed reluctant to stop what he was doing to answer him, looking enraptured with what he was doing. When he finally pulled away, his eyes looked somewhat hazy, his lips glistening. He moved aside and gestured for Ludger to sit on the bed.

“I think you'd figure it out even if I didn't say anything,” he said, grinning. “Even if she were home, do you think you'd always be able to stop yourself?”

Probably not.

Placing a hand against Ludger's chest, he pushed lightly, making him lay back and put his head against the pillow. “We can do whatever we want while she isn't around, but that doesn't stop us from having fun when the door's closed. It locks, you know. As long as we keep our voices down, we don't have anything to worry about.”

“D... Does she even know what sex is yet?”

“No,” Julius quickly replied. Ludger thought that his glasses were going to get fogged from all the heat in his cheeks. “I'd rather keep it that way for as long as possible.”

“Y-yeah. I don't think she's completely clueless, but I don't think an eight-year-old should have to find out about... the kinds of... things that you and I do.”

Julius raised his brows. “Do you remember?”

Vaguely. There were little snippets in his memory; the weight of Julius's body against his own, the feeling of his breath on his neck, his wet lips pressing to places that made him blush. He remembered, but the memories didn't feel fresh.

He didn't want to worry him, though, so he nodded. “I sort of remember. I haven't totally forgotten. I think all of my memories are here now, but they're a little foggy and faded, like I'm looking through an old photo album. I think I could use a bit of reminding.”

“Some 'reminding', you say?”

Ludger pursed his lips, his heart thumping. “You know what I mean... Don't tease me.”

“You don't like it when I tease you?” he asked. That could definitely be considered teasing. Julius knew what he was up to. His hands returned to Ludger's body, touching his chest, one hand skirting down his stomach to begin working on the fastenings of his pants as the other rubbed and pinched at one of his nipples.

Squirming, Ludger gripped the pillow under his head and tried to turn his face away. It was hard to keep how much he enjoyed it from showing on his face. His poker face was terrible, and Julius always knew what he was thinking about anyway. As his breathing grew slower and rougher, as he raised his upper body to meet Julius's touch, Ludger realized what he must've looked like, but he wasn't able to control himself. He'd always been the quiet type, so he didn't shout or make a lot of noise, but his body was slowly being transformed with each of his brother's light, teasing touches. He totally underestimated how sensitive his chest really was until he was once again reduced to a quietly whimpering mess, his body blazing with desire; a sensation building from that one sensitive spot, spreading to the rest of him.

“What am I going to do with you?” Julius said, looking pleased.

He hadn't even noticed when Julius had finished undoing his belt. The button and zipper on his pants released, Julius rubbed his hand over the front of his exposed briefs, drawing a weak, sweet sound from Ludger's lips. When the sound met his ears, Ludger couldn't even believe that he was the one who it come from, didn't know he was even capable of sounding that way.

“B-brother,” he mumbled, looking up at him from under his lashes, feeling dazed and hot.

Julius's smile widened as he leaned down to briefly suck on his other, neglected nipple, working it between his lips and teeth until it was as red as its twin. “I already know all of your weaknesses,” he told him, flicking his eyes up.

Something about the gaps in his memory made him feel apprehensive, but he knew that Julius wasn't lying. They had done this many times already. His brother knew his body as well as the back of his own hand now. Maybe it was hard for him to think clearly because the situation was making him so excited. Even if he'd remembered everything clearly, he had the feeling that he would still be shaking with excitement, painfully aware of and aroused by the fact that it was _his brother_ who was touching him.

As Julius slipped his hand beneath his briefs and touched his bare flesh, Ludger allowed himself a moan out loud, secure that no one would hear him but Julius. The shameful sounds he made earned him a hungry groan, and Julius tightened his hand around him, squeezing his thumb and forefinger in a tight ring just beneath the head in a spot that made Ludger lose his ability to breathe for a few seconds. Julius pulled his hand up, then brought his tight fist down over him again, repeating the motion until Ludger had to put his hands down on his shoulders to make him stop.

“I-I'm going to come if you keep doing that,” he muttered, putting a hand over his face, trying to hide his red cheeks.

“Is that a problem?” Julius asked, crawling up his body. Leaning in, he brought his lips close to his ear and whispered hotly, “I can keep you coming until it's time for Elle to come home.”

Feeling his balls tighten, Ludger gripped the sheets below him tightly in his hands, and turned away, biting down on his tongue as panic filled him for a few terrifying seconds. He really thought he was going to come. Just like that, he could've come from what Julius told him. The idea alone – of being repeatedly brought to the brink by his brother's hands – made him feel like he was going to lose it.

“This is what you want, isn't it, Ludger? Let me hear you say it. Say that this is what you really want.”

He did. Julius was right. This was one of the things he had always wanted that he felt too guilty to accept without reservation. His body was aching for him. It responded to him so readily, so naturally, even when he wasn't being touched.

“Julius...”

“Is this what you want, Ludger?”

One of Julius's hands was rested atop one of Ludger's that was still gripping the sheets. Slowly, Ludger relaxed his hold and drank in the feeling in the eyes that looked down at him beseechingly. That face swayed him so easily. Julius could ask anything of him and he would do it. He wanted to protect him. He wanted to love him – unconditionally. Within him, the necessary conviction was waiting. No one could stand in the way of what he felt for him now, not even himself.

“I love you,” he said, so relieved by the ease with which the words fell from his lips. “I love you, Julius. This is everything I want.”

He would do whatever it took to be with him; terrible things that he felt ashamed of before. He accepted that part of him now, quietly embracing all the parts of him that made him feel ashamed, the parts he hated. In his dreams, there was even a part of him who was willing to kill everyone he called a friend, who would forsake the world in his brother's favor.

The real world was far gentler than he thought it to be. His love wouldn't be the end.

All he had to do was turn his palm and hold the hand that had always been holding his.

He didn't need to say anything more for Julius to understand. 

“Welcome back,” Julius murmured against his cheek, wrapping his other arm around his waist, holding him tight.

He was back. And he didn't plan on leaving again. There'd be no more new beginnings. He was going to step into the future and see it through to the end this time, all the way, holding his own hand as much as he held his brother's.

Pulling back, sitting up, Julius looked at him with all the affection of a lover. Putting his hands on Ludger's hips, he looked up and waited for his approval before he finally slid Ludger's pants down his hips, removing them along with his underwear. All of Julius's teasing had left its mark, a dark wet patch left behind on the front of Ludger's underwear. Ludger just made a face as the uncomfortably sticky garment was removed. Seeing how hard and wet he was, Julius wrapped his hand around him, letting him enjoy the smooth glide of his palm over his slick skin. Occasionally, the ring around his thumb rubbed over the head of his cock, and it made Ludger squeeze his eyes shut, willing himself not to come.

When his touch vanished and the weight on the bed shifted, Ludger opened his eyes and found Julius standing to remove his pants. His face looked a little tight, his lower lip pulled between his teeth as he unfastened his pants and struggled to pull them down over his full erection. Ludger's eyes widened, his pulse quickening when he saw it spring free in all of its rather splendorous glory.

“That's-” He wasn't properly prepared for this. His memory hadn't been kind enough to remind him about his brother's apparent endowment. “We've seriously done it before? With that thing?”

Julius flashed him an amused smirk as he kicked his pants aside.

“Don't worry. I'll remind you of how much you love it.”

“That's some big talk there, brother,” Ludger said, eyes still stuck warily on Julius's lower half. “I'm not sure it's going to fit...”

“It fit last night, and I recall someone enjoying it quite a lot.”

It was cruel that he could remember something like that while Ludger was left with only a half-formed recollection of it.

Before he returned to the bed, Julius retrieved something from the top drawer of his dresser; a spot that would be well out of Elle's reach. Settling back down in front of him, Ludger was surprised by how confident Julius's touch felt as he grabbed his knees and pushed them apart. He felt exposed, but he didn't try to hide himself. Julius had apparently touched him in all kinds of ways. He probably knew his body in a more intimate way than Ludger even knew for himself.

Popping back the cap on the tube he brought with him, Julius squeezed a little of its contents over the tips of his fingers, then brought them between Ludger's legs. When the cool gel met his skin, he jumped, but it quickly warmed to his body temperature as Julius began rubbing it around. He didn't try pushing them in immediately, keeping his fingers over his entrance instead, pressing lightly without breaching him, letting him get used to that sort of pressure.

It felt really good. If Julius went back to work on his nipples at the same time, Ludger figured that he could come without ever having his cock touched. He would've been content with that. However, just as he was starting to enjoy that firm pressure, it eased up. Sitting up slightly, he looked down his body to watch what was going on and met Julius's eyes right when the first fingers were pushed inside. _Fingers._ He skipped straight to using two fingers, and it felt... It felt really good, and it didn't hurt like he expected it to. In fact, it didn't feel bad at all.

“I told you we did it last night,” Julius said. His body's response was his proof.

Ludger just tried to keep himself from melting as Julius began working his fingers around inside of him, rubbing and stretching, pushing in all the way to the knuckle and curling to press against a spot inside him that made his legs uncontrollably quiver.

“J-Julius...”

Julius removed his fingers, but kept them over his entrance, rubbing them around his wet opening. “Do you think you're ready now?” he asked. “I could fit in a third or fourth for you if you want to be sure you can take it.”

“It's fine,” he said quickly, lifting his knees higher so he could bring his hips up for him, submitting himself. “I'm ready. I want it.”

Using some more from the tube on himself, Julius made sure that he was nice and slick before he fit himself into position between Ludger's spread legs. Before making another move, he leaned forward and captured his lips one more time, letting it linger so that Ludger could taste his desire, his love.

Their lips parted and Ludger looked up at him dizzily, his body warm, his heart thumping contentedly. “We really kiss like that...?”

“Yeah, we do,” Julius said, running his palm down the underside of one of Ludger's thighs, stopping just short of his cock. This could all be his if he just let himself have it. That was what the look Julius gave him said. It couldn't be that easy, but Ludger prayed that it was simpler than he'd always thought. It felt like it could be as simple or as difficult as he made it. Everything depended on how he reacted.

Julius aligned himself and began to push inside. It didn't hurt, Ludger's body opening easily to accept him. Once he was in, his full length inside of him, Julius paused and looked down at him, waiting to see whether it was alright. His body felt fine, but Ludger felt overwhelmed, suddenly struck by the fact that his brother was really inside of him. It was enough that it was Julius, but he felt _incredible._ His cock, just as thick as it looked, filled him up, making him feel stretched and sensitive inside. The slightest movement made him whimper, the head of Julius's cock nudging against something that felt very nice.

“Found it already, have I?” Julius asked, his grin audible in his voice. He gave him a few more experimental rolls of his hips, watching as Ludger squirmed in his lap, making little noises that could only mean that he was enjoying himself. With each renewed thrust, Ludger felt it coming back to him. It wasn't just a feeling anymore. He remembered doing this with him. He remembered his shame and the way it had also fueled his desire for him. Now, there was only intense pleasure and a certain feeling of security.

Desperate for more of that feeling, Ludger reached out his arms, positive of what a child he must've looked like. Julius just looked at him like he was looking at the most lovable thing and wrapped his arms around him. With the arm he had around Ludger's waist, he lifted his hips a little higher and began to thrust into him with a more confident pace, delivering short snaps of his hips that drove into that one spot over and over. Ludger pressed his head back into the pillow and moaned openly, feeling like every inch of him was being tested by great pleasure. It was more than just that. It was hard to describe.

He just felt... fulfilled.

“I love you,” he said again, but it came out sounding like a delirious jumble. His nose was dripping and the corners of his eyes were damp. He must've looked terrible, but Julius looked at him just the same, like he was used to seeing him this way, like he was happy with what he saw. It made Ludger feel embarrassed to let himself be seen in such a state, but... The reflection of himself that he saw in his brother's eyes didn't look as disgusting as he thought it should.

Moving as his body and heart commanded, leaving his thoughts behind, he fell into their rhythm. Julius's arms held him. He felt at ease.

Their frantic pace gradually slowed and became more relaxed, unhurried, like they realized that they weren't going anywhere. There was no need for them to rush. They took their time, Julius's lips peppering small kisses all over Ludger's face, Ludger's nails lazily stroking or scratching his brother's back depending on the angle of each thrust. Putting a hand between them, Julius touched him, but he kept his fist loose, didn't move it with any sort of technique, just letting Ludger feel his touch. It seemed like it was enough for him to just lay his hands upon him. When it became clear that he needed a little more to take him the rest of the way, sensing that Ludger was close, he closed his fingers around him a little more tightly and worked his palm up over the head.

With his face pressed to Julius's neck, Ludger came, breathlessly gasping his name. His whole body felt tired afterwards, his limbs refusing to move. Noticing the way that Julius was looking at him, like he was unsure of whether he should continue, Ludger just smiled and wiggled his hips, wrapping his legs around his waist. Coloring, Julius apologized, but started moving again. This time, each sensation felt much deeper, more defined. After coming, he felt tighter inside, and Julius was clearly having a hard time keeping himself together as Ludger squeezed him inside. It felt so surprisingly good that Ludger could feel himself getting turned on all over again.

“Can I come inside?” Julius asked, his features drawn with desperation.

Ludger nodded. Within a few more thrusts, Julius stilled, and Ludger felt him twitching inside of him, his warmth filling him up.

After he pulled out, Julius collapsed on top of him, and Ludger groaned. “Brother-”

Julius hushed him. “You feel really nice. Let me have a moment, will you?”

It was hard not to let him have that moment. Ludger was also feeling tired after all of that. It wasn't just the sex. His memory was back – most of it, anyway. It all crammed its way back into his head. He didn't find himself thinking about any particular thing, but he could feel his memories there now, so many of them, weighing him down. He curled up against him, keeping his arms around him, and let his eyes fall closed.

Before he submitted himself to the pull of sleep, he managed to ask, “Do you want to nap for a little while?”

Julius hummed. “A cat nap, huh? Yeah. I don't normally get enough sleep anyway. An hour or two would be nice.” He leaned over the side of the bed for a second to fish his GHS out of their pile of discarded clothes and set an alarm. Placing it at the bedside, he turned over, holding Ludger protectively, and they fell asleep.

No other thoughts entered Ludger's head. No other thoughts left. He fell into a dreamless sleep, and the only thing he felt aware of was the presence of his brother.

 

When he woke up, Julius calmly asked him a number of questions and Ludger sleepily replied to them all, feeling successful when Julius rewarded him with a forehead kiss. They only slept for two hours or a little less, but Julius had been worried that it might be enough time for him to lose what he'd gained. Ludger felt like he had a strong grasp of himself this time, though.

His episode that morning had ruined their usual routine, so neither of them had had anything to eat yet. Julius said that they could go somewhere to buy something to eat instead if he wanted, but Ludger felt like cooking. It was relaxing. It was familiar. As he worked over the stove, preparing omelettes for them, he could feel Julius watching him, but he didn't feel pressured by his attention. Julius was watching him because he was happy, and that made Ludger happy. He was glad that he was facing the stove so that Julius couldn't see the way his eyes teared when he realized how _happy_ he felt. He was there to take care of Julius just as much as Julius was there to take care of him.

Two plates were placed on the table. The atmosphere was different from how it used to be, before any of this, but it wasn't bad. He was on his way to truly believing that. It wasn't just a meal between brothers anymore, so it lacked some of the innocence that used to be there, but there was something special in its stead. Letting himself remember what it was like to be held by him, skin against skin, he realized that they hadn't lost anything. Their relationship wasn't something completely different – it just evolved. It became something bigger. Something stronger.

After the dishes were washed, they went out together at Julius's recommendation, suggesting that some fresh air would be good. They sat on the swings outside of the apartment and held hands in the space between. When he didn't think about it too hard, nothing hurt.

He wasn't running away from anything anymore – he just wasn't questioning it.

They took a walk and ended up staying out for a few more hours, going here and there, visiting all the places Ludger recognized. He felt nervous, being away from home for so long, afraid that he might have a relapse, but he felt safer with Julius by his side. Bit by bit, those nightmares that felt so much like real memories vanished completely, and the memories of this life – this now – filled in the place they'd been holding. As much as he tried, he knew that he was never going to completely forget about them. Part of them would still exist inside of him to remind him to be grateful for what he had.

It was no exaggeration to say that Julius and Elle were what held him together. Without them, he was sure that nothing else would exist. Nothing else was worth living for. He didn't have to protect them from the end of the world, and he didn't have to protect them from himself. They just needed his love as much as he needed theirs.

They stayed out well into the afternoon and picked Elle up from school. She looked at him suspiciously, but she quickly realized that he was back. Papa fixed him while she was busy learning. Ludger still apologized, hoping that she hadn't been worrying about him too much during the day. Elle puffed out her cheeks and insisted that she hadn't been worried in the slightest, but that was about as convincing as if she'd told him she wanted spaghetti for dinner. He didn't like making her worry, but it made him happy that she'd been thinking about him.

They went to the store together and got everything they needed for the curry that Ludger promised that morning. Elle said that she would help, but she ended up playing with Rollo in her room when they got home, which was fine. Julius stayed in the kitchen and they talked about mundane things. Judging by how much Elle enjoyed dinner, all was forgiven for that morning.

When they were finished, they sat on the couch together and watched TV; Ludger in the middle, Elle on his right, Julius on his left, and Rollo in his lap. During a commercial break, when his thoughts began to wander, he put an arm around Elle and leaned against Julius's side, smiling.

This was...

Happiness.

 

Ludger awoke the next morning. A Saturday. Julius was holding him, snoring quietly. He remembered everything.


End file.
